For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
