I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
