If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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