I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
Randomize
