So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
Randomize