o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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