Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
