Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Randomize
