no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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