sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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