There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
