So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
