When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize