I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
