i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
