After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
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