I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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