I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
