There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
