dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Randomize
