she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
