I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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