Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
