the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
