When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
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