Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
