Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
MIDGETS
????
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Randomize
