Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Randomize
