i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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