Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
