I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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