Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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