why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
But we have bathrooms and they dont
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
