Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
