In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Randomize
