the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Randomize
