I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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