I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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