Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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