Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize
