A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Randomize
