We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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