I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Randomize
