Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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