We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
