I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
