Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
In America we eat man semen.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Randomize
