I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
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