so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Randomize
