Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
