My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
