Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Randomize
