my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
Pappa wants mamma naked
i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Randomize
