but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Randomize
