btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
I think im going to throw up on grandma
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
