2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Randomize
