You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I'm not ready for the Pike bikes to move back in to town it was wonderful seeing that sorority house empty all summer
... I'm KD
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Randomize
