What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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