Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
