you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Randomize
