Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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